All the rest
by Pixifey
Summary: This got deleted apparently Bella has a son named Duncan, trying to get her life straight without anyone helping. Her mother seems to not care and Edward is an abusive ass. Will re-edit this later


_God, I don't feel like enough for him anymore._ My thoughts just kept repeating that one sentence. Except, in all honesty, I've been saying that about my views on everyone. I don't feel like I'm good enough for _life_. I don't know which is worse. My only will for living is the fact I wake up to my boy every day. He looks just like his dad, ya know? The eyes most of all when I look into them remind me of his dad. Of course, his hair is his dad's. I don't know why I think of him when I look at my baby boy but, I do.

_Edward, god, I wish things were different._ That used to be my motto for the past year. I decided when it rang in the New Year that I wouldn't let him get to me anymore. Maybe, I'll try harder. Duncan is turning 2 in a few months and god; I'm not looking for to it. I have to go see his dad and it's going to be awkward because, for the first time, we're broken up and I'm not going back to be with him. There's too much heartache there and I don't think I could be strong enough to put myself or Duncan through it anymore. The fighting had to stop sometime; it's not a good environment for a child. Why do I hate myself though? It doesn't make sense because; I wasn't _in_ love with the guy. I mean, sure familiarity is great but, I want somebody who's going to ignite my flames inside and be there without a doubt in my mind. Why does this have to be so damn hard?

I spent four years of my life with the guy and for what? Countless heartache? The thought he may cheat on me? Leave me? I can't sort my thoughts anymore. I have to write this off, I'm so mad at myself! I have no idea why. Yet, our arguments now revolve around, Jacob. The guy who has been there when I felt broken beyond repair and didn't want to admit it out loud to anyone else but, him. I'm pretty sure he'd pulverize anyone who'd hurt me which, I find great that he's so protective of me. But I have to keep telling myself, too, that one day he'll leave me like all the rest. Nobody else knows how I feel because, nobody would understand. One day, people will learn that I was serious when I said that I would disappear.

_One, two, step. Remind yourself of that, Bella, that you have to get up and get out into civilization. Put your fake smile on so nobody can tell if something is wrong. Don't you think Duncan needs a mum that isn't a drone?_ Sometimes I hate it when the voices in my head talk to me because, I know in the end, that they are right. I turn my head to look at the clock and see that Duncan is supposed to be awake in the next hour. Why did my voices wake me up this early? It's 7 am and the clock is glaring me like I'm the worst person ever, not that I need the reminder. Most days, Duncan just comes in and pounces on my bed and yells "MOMMY!" to wake me up. I guess, today will not be one of those days. Begrudgingly, I get up to take a shower thinking, maybe, that'll wipe this mood out of my system. I grab my towel off the floor and walk towards to bathroom, only to stop in front of the mirror. God, I can't even look at myself! I hate the person staring back at me, every time, and I hope, on day, the person won't look at me like they loathe me or, maybe, I'll actually recognize the person in the mirror.

Turning on the knob for the shower, I contemplate on putting it on searing hot, thinking I could burn all my feelings away. Sighing, I just put it on the regular warm temperature, staring at the tiles in my shower. I count them every day, hoping, that one day I won't have the same routine. I turn my back to the mirror and begin to shed my pajamas. Standing there fully naked, I shield my breasts like somebody is walking in but, that doesn't happen to me. Shutting the shower door, the water instantly warms my skin. I welcome the sensation it brings to me, feels like little thorns hitting my skin and on my head feels like somebody is taking a jackhammer trying to get into my skull. Running my hands over my hair, I start my daily routine; Shampoo, stand there breathing, rinse, soap, shave, and clean face. It never changes and how I wish it would. Rinsing my face off, I stare into the water towards to knob on the shower wall.

_I can't do this, anymore!_ I begin my daily war within my head, willing the voices to speak up and correct me but, they never do. I turn off the shower and grab my towel, wrapping it around myself to walk towards my bedroom. Looking in my closet, I realize that Alice has gone crazy; again, when I specifically said not to buy me a new wardrobe because, nothing she gets makes me feel like me. Nobody will ever understand that since, all they care about it trying to transform me into what they want me to be. Grumbling to myself I grab the embroidered mercury tunic, throwing it haphazardly onto my bed, and then I begin staring at the new jeans, apparently mine made me look like a _hobo_ in everyone else's words. I guess, they all had a point, at least Alice got me a pair of flared jeans, I thought as I threw those on top of my tunic. Staring down, I look at all the shoes, what went through her head when she got me some of these, I'll never know. I swear, I have every color of the rainbow and then some! Looking at a pair of black suede heeled boots, eyeing them to make sure they won't kill me like those stilettoes sitting across from them, I picked them up and threw threw them onto my bed with my clothes.

After putting on my clothes, I stare at my accessories grabbing my zombie necklace, a constant reminder of how I feel every day, putting my barbells in my ears, then grabbing my onyx skull bracelet and my embellished heart ring, putting everything on. I begin to stare at myself again, wondering why I'm still here. I hate myself, every day more and more, consuming myself into dark depression of things I can't get into words.

But just as I was about to get into fighting with the voices in my head, Duncan runs in and makes me fall over. We start laughing and wrestling till he stops and hugs me saying "Hi!" with a big grin on his face. I smile, giving a big kiss on the cheek, I tell him go look in the pantry for his cereal and to get yesterday's bacon out of the fridge. He, maybe, almost 2 but he's intelligent which makes me so proud of him. Quickly grabbing my eyeliner putting on a thin line then my mascara and lip gloss, ready for the day, I run out hearing Duncan banging around in the kitchen. Laughing when I see him getting frustrated trying to get the fridge open, it's that moment when I remember a fight with his father.

_"EDWARD! GOD WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A DOUCHE?"_

He just stared at me laughing continuing to blame me. "Well you're just a dumb fucking bitch!"

I stood there gripping the fridge door as the cool air hit me, staring at nothing but the back of it, wishing I had the strength to whip it at him. "I'm not the one to fucking blame here! Remember, who wanted to buy that 24 case like four days ago! God, you can even take the blame for fucking once, can you? OH NO! Because that would mean oh so precious perfect EDWARD messed up! I fucking told you we needed diapers! You blew it off saying we had enough to last till NEXT WEEK!"

He glared at me, slamming the fridge shut, which I barely got my hand away. "I can't have one fucking beer, can I? WITHOUT YOUR FUCKING BITCHING! It all falls one me, huh? Since I'm the one who has to support your fucking ass while you just sit there all day!"

I pushed him out of my way, walking into the living room, barely stopping, I start breathing heavily. "Why are we together? Answer me that. Think about that and get back to me." I disappeared into the bedroom after that.

Shaking my head from the memory I look at Duncan pouting at me and I lift him up on my shoulder, laughing, "What do you really want for breakfast?"

He gets this face of deep concentration and smiles real big, "Ravolis!" he says giggling.  
I raise an eyebrow and shrug, "Bacon and Raviolis it is." I say laughing, setting him in the floor. I grab the bacon container and hand it to him as he grabs it runs over to climb into his seat. As I grab the can of Raviolis, my phone rings that song I've become to hate over time. Glaring at the screen, I sigh picking it up while opening the can.

"Hello?" I greet rather flatly.

"Hey, baby. I miss you!" Edward says with way too much enthusiasm.

Sighing, I groan, "I told you to stop calling me that since we aren't together, or are you forgetting that again?"

"No, you know I love you and miss you guys! I can't wait till you come _home_." He says rather smugly.

There's that word, _home_, I've heard people say it so many times, yet I have no idea what it really means. Grumbling, I look at Duncan and see him shoving the last pieces off bacon in his mouth. "Yeah well I told you to stop, so stop. Remember, I'm taken? I'm very ha- -" before I could finish my sentence he interrupts.

"Yeah with Jacob or whatever, still the same Bella, sluttin' around, huh?" he says with venom in his voice now.

I growl and hang up the phone slamming it on the counter. Why did I let him get to me again? Didn't he understand yet that all I want is somebody to be happy with? Somebody to love but, who would love me? Nobody would understand how I felt, ever nor, would I be able to get into words. I grab the bowl from the microwave and set it on the table staring at Duncan, wishing that he won't turn out like his father. God, that man is the bane of my existence. He wants me as unhappy as he can get me!

**Morning, babe. – B  
**Texting with Jacob always put me in a good mood unless he starts an argument with me then, I just go into autopilot, yet I already feel like I'm there. I shouldn't have gone off my meds. Maybe, that psychotherapist is right; I can't function right without them. No that can't be right because, I see just fine with the fakeness slapped onto my face. Yes that's it.


End file.
